Happy Again
by gvilleguy1124
Summary: Post Series 3 CS: Mary and Tom try to struggle through their grief and their feelings and what that means for their future.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. This is a one-shot (maybe more) of something I've been thinking about for a while since the Christmas Special. I hope you like it. Feel free to review. It would be very welcome._

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Happy Again

_August 1922_

It had been almost a year she thought. Almost a year, but some days, it felt like it was only yesterday. Mary could see herself still, frozen in shock when Robert broke the news. She must have sat silent for minutes. It felt like hours – like days.

The first days were the worst, but she had to stay strong for herself and for her son. It's what Matthew would have wanted. He would have wanted her to go on and have a life, but how could she ever have a life without him in it? No. She had to. Maybe it wouldn't be the life she had wanted but maybe she was never meant to have what she wanted. Perhaps she didn't deserve to be as happy as she was with him again.

Today, Mary was on one of her many trips to the cemetery. It had become something that became a ritual. She came nearly every day when it first happened, but now her visits had become less frequent. She didn't come less of her own volition – Cora had insisted she stop going so much. She had a son that needed her to be with him, not with his father who didn't need her anymore. As much as she hated Cora for saying it, she knew she was right. So now she went once or twice a week, but not a day went by when she didn't think of him.

When Mary arrived at Matthew's plain grave, she knelt in front of it like she always did. She thought it was very plain indeed, but that's what Matthew would have wanted. He never wanted anything extravagant. She set down the small bunch of flowers she had found and picked on the way there.

Sometimes when Mary came, she just said everything that came to mind, but today was one of the times when she had no words. She just wanted to be there, where she felt close to him. She felt close to him in so few places. Here and whenever she was with their son, she felt close to him. She saw Matthew in his eyes. Every time she looked into George's beautiful, icy blue eyes, she could feel Matthew looking back at her.

Mary knelt there for a while when she noticed a figure a distance away, a figure that she immediately recognized. He still came often too, even though it had been twice as long as it was for her. He still looked as if he had had the stuffing knocked out of him like she did.

Sometimes, she felt horrible for being grateful that she had someone close that knew exactly what she was going through, but she was. She was glad she had someone who missed their loved one as much as she missed Matthew.

They had grown quite close since Matthew had died, even closer than they had become after Sybil passed. They understood each other. No one else could understand how they felt, no matter how hard they tried to. No one else had had to endure losing their spouse so young. And just like Mama and Isobel had commiserated over losing their children, she and Tom bonded over losing who they lost.

Whether it was when they watched Sybbie and George play together in the nursery or found themselves secluded in the corner of the drawing room after dinner, they knew what they shared. The grief they shared was not just the shared grief for a spouse, but the grief she felt for her sister and he for his brother-in-law. Unlike with anyone else, they didn't have to talk about it to know how the other felt.

Mary could see him notice she was there too and he began to walk over. When he reached where she knelt, he hesitated.

"I don't want to interrupt," Tom said quietly.

"Oh, I don't mind. I've been here wallowing for long enough," Mary responded and brought herself upright. She paused and smiled as she said, "I didn't know you were coming here today. We could have walked down together."

"Well, it's not exactly something someone wants company for," he said as he shifted on his feet.

"Oh, of course, nor is it something that somebody wants to take part in," Mary spoke.

"This is why it's nice to have someone who has to do for themselves," he said with a feared smile. "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it has been nice having someone who knows what I am going through." He waited for her to respond.

Mary thought for a moment before she responded, "I don't mind you saying it. I feel the same. I can only imagine how hard it was for you the first year when you didn't have anyone that understood the situation. I don't know if I could have done it without having you there." She immediately regretted saying that. It's not how she wanted it to come out.

Tom looked at her questioningly, as if he was processing what she said in his mind. Finally, he said, "I'm glad I could be of help. You must know that you've been the same to me. Of all the people up in that house, you are the only one who I don't have to put on an act with."

Mary smiled. She was glad he felt the same way about her that she did about him. "Thank you for saying that. No one understands how hard this is." She could feel herself begin to choke up, but she pushed the feeling away and continued, "I'm so glad we have each other."

"So am I. C'mon, let's go. We have to rush back if we're going to be there in time for the dressing gong," Tom said, trying to change the subject.

"It's funny to think about you worrying about changing for dinner," Mary said with a laugh.

"I suppose it is, but I've changed," Tom said as he looked off into the distance, knowing he has changed in many more ways than just his dressing habits.

"You have and so have I," Mary responded as they began to take their leave.

As they walked side by side on the way back in silence, she couldn't help but think that she had changed. A year ago, Mary couldn't have dreamed that she could have changed so much, but a year had come and gone and she could appreciate that she truly had. She wasn't the young wife that had loved Matthew so absolutely anymore. She was the young mother who didn't want to be miserable for the rest of her life. She knew she could never love anyone like she loved Matthew. Mary didn't want that kind of love with anyone else, but maybe she could have a different kind of love – a love with someone who understood her.

If anyone understood her, it was Tom. He had meant so much to her over the past months and she knew now that he felt the same about her. So perhaps they could be there for each other in the years to come and be there for their children. She didn't know what would happen in the future, only that she wanted to try to be happy again and maybe Tom could help her feel that way once more.

After all, Matthew would want her to try to be happy and maybe she did truly deserve it.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters._ _So, most of you said to continue on with this so I am. We'll see where it goes. This chapter is from Tom's perspective. I wanted to let us see what both he and Mary are feeling. A lot of you said you don't see what they had in common to start a relationship on, so I tried to discuss that. As always, reviews are highly appreciated. Enjoy. _

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_C__hristmas 1922_

Holidays just weren't the same as they used to be. Sure, this one was the first in a while where there had been no deaths in the year preceding it, but this Christmas still felt empty. When Cora gave a longing glance into space thinking about Sybil or when Isobel laughed at something Violet said and looked to Matthew for his reaction, only to find him absent, it was clear that everyone not recovered nor did they know if they ever would be.

Tom was one that did not think he would ever be happy again. Of course, there was Sybbie and she was his world and the Crawleys had come to think of him as truly part of the family, but that wasn't happiness. He knew what happiness was. It was what he had with Sybil when they lived in Ireland for the sweet, brief year as husband and wife. Sometimes he longed to go back to Ireland and Robert had even mentioned that he might be able to get the restriction lifted so Tom could return, but he knew that he really didn't want to go back. He didn't want to take Sybbie away from her family and he didn't want to leave them either.

As much as he was surprised by it, Tom knew that he belonged at Downton Abbey. He still had that revolutionary fervor of his youth but he supposed he had been tamed, as Robert liked to put it. He had a daughter to think about now and he needed to create a stable life for her. His job as the estate manager achieved this goal and to his surprise, Tom had come to enjoy it. Even without Matthew as his partner, Tom found contentment in bringing the estate into the modern times and knowing that he was making it safe for his daughter and his nephew.

Since Matthew's death, Tom had found a surprisingly more than willing partner in modernization in Robert. He believed it had been seeing the Flintshires in ruin, along with Matthew's demise that had changed Robert's views once and for all. Together they continued the plans that Matthew had laid out and the estate was beginning to flourish. They had even begun to involve Mary in the estate affairs, since she would most likely need to help young George when he took over as earl.

Interactions between Tom and Mary had become awkward since that day at the graveyard. They had both said more than they had wanted to and Tom had consequently decided to not say much of anything else on the matter. That isn't to say that he didn't think about it a lot, because he did.

When he thought about himself and Mary, Tom just became confused. He felt something for her, but he had no idea what that was. They had become so close the past few years and quite depended on each other for companionship and sometimes a shoulder to cry on, but was there something more? Tom thought Mary very attractive, but it wasn't like he felt about Sybil. Sybil and Tom had thought so similarly on things and shared beliefs and combined with a deep attraction to each other, love had blossomed. It wasn't like that with Mary. He knew they didn't think very much alike. She prided herself in being a member of the aristocracy while he despised the institution. Perhaps that was their attraction: they challenged each other and they liked that. They both liked a good fight and whenever politics came up, there was sure to be one between them.

All this thought didn't really matter though, because Mary and Tom barely spoke to each other lately. They continued to spend time with Sybbie and George together and speak about the estate, but the conversations they had had before about more intimate matters had ceased. Tom was afraid to escalate things more than they had become and he suspected Mary felt the same.

Today, that would change. Mary and Tom found themselves seated next to each other at Christmas dinner. They had both been dismayed to discover this when they entered the dining room. Usually, they were seated far apart but with Rosamund staying for the holidays, the seating arrangements had shuffled a bit.

Rose was going on about how she had received a letter from her mother in India and going into great detail about it which caused Mary to whisper, "Granny always said Cousin Susan was long winded. Rose has clearly not fallen far from the tree."

Tom had to muffle his laughter as Mary changed the subject. "Sybbie seemed very pleased with all her presents earlier. I hope you approve of the dress I bought her. I wondered if you would think it was too fancy," she questioned.

"Oh. I thought it was perfect. I appreciate you and Cora buying her dresses and such. Lord knows I wouldn't know what to get her," Tom replied.

"It is my pleasure. I enjoy buying things for her. I'll most likely never have a daughter to pick out dresses for," Mary said somberly.

Tom frowned at her resignation to be alone and said, "Why do you say that? I'm sure you will find happiness with someone else one day. Matthew wouldn't want you to be alone forever."

"You're right and I suppose I could say the same thing about Sybil not wanting you to be alone," Mary answered.

"I know. It seems we are both waiting for someone to come along then. I just don't know if it's possible for me to feel happy like that again." As Tom spoke, he thought back to his unfortunate experience with that housemaid that only reduced him to tears instead of making him feel good again.

Mary thought for a minute before she replied with, "Perhaps we must just take happiness where we can and accept that it will never be as good as it was with them."

"I think you're right," Tom said. He enjoyed them speaking as they had before that day and now felt compelled to bring that encounter up to resolve it once and for all. He thought about what to say and finally said, "About that day we met in the cemetery, I think we both said things we wished we didn't say and we shouldn't let it get in the way of our friendship."

Mary look surprised at his mentioning of the incident, but calmly replied, "Of course we shouldn't. Though, I think that even if we said things we didn't want to, it doesn't mean that they were not true." With that, she smiled and turned to speak to Edith.

Tom was startled at her reply. She meant what she said and he supposed he did too, but what did that mean? What was going on between them? He didn't know and could only guess that he would have to wait and see. One thing he did know was that things felt normal between them again. He was at least glad of that. Perhaps this Christmas wasn't so awful after all.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. Here's another chapter for you all. I thought I'd spice things up with a little drama. Thank you for all the reviews! Keep them coming! _

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_January 1923_

It started out like any other day, but it would soon change for the worse. It was a rather cold winter day and subsequently, no one wanted to venture outside if they didn't have to. This included Tom and Mary who decided to occupy their afternoon playing with Sybbie and George in the nursery.

Mary and Tom were enjoying the renewed closeness of their friendship since Christmas. They were back to spending most of their free time with each other and their children and were both glad to have their companion to talk to again. Nothing more had been said between them in regards to their relationship, since there were both still quite unsure of what that relationship actually was.

Mary sat in the rocking chair in the nursery admiring the scene before her. She looked at Tom on the floor playing with their ever growing children. Sybbie was going on three and her dear George was almost a year and a half. When Mary thought of what she had gone through since her son was born, she couldn't believe it. There had been so many changes and adjustments to her life, but she could almost say now that she was content. She had George, her family and whatever she had with Tom. She couldn't complain, but it didn't mean that she wasn't still sad and lonely. Mary still greatly missed Matthew. She supposed she would always miss him. As she watched Tom and the children, her mind began to wander until Tom brought her back to reality.

"Mary!" Tom called to get her attention which was successful. He continued on, "Could you come over here?"

As Mary rose and moved over to where they were playing, she asked, "What is it?"

"George feels rather warm to me," Tom replied. "What do you think?"

Mary knelt down so that she could feel her hand to little George's head. She could immediately tell that he was very warm. "I agree. He's burning up. Why didn't you notice before?" Mary said angrily. Her maternal drive was kicking in and she couldn't believe Tom had just realized her son was feverish.

Tom looked taken aback by her remark, but Mary hadn't meant to be cruel. He answered, "Well, he did seem a bit groggy compared to Sybbie, but I thought he was probably just tired. Then my hand brushed up against his head and I felt his head."

"He does seem groggy, doesn't he? I want to call for Dr. Clarkson. I don't want to take any chances," Mary insisted. She knew it was probably just a mild cold but she wanted to be safe anyways. After all, George was all she had.

Tom replied, "I agree. I'll go call him myself and tell Nanny to come up too. You stay here with him."

"Thank you," Mary spoke as he left.

In the two hours it took for Dr. Clarkson to get to up to the house, Mary realized how glad she was that they had called for him. George was getting worse. He began coughing and crying and nothing anyone was doing was soothing him. Even worse, Sybbie soon started to feel warm and exhibit the same symptoms as her cousin. Cora and Isobel were there now trying to help, but they couldn't do anything more to soothe their grandchildren than their parents could.

When he arrived, Dr. Clarkson asked to see the children on his own. He remained in the nursery for what seemed like an eternity to the family who were anxiously waiting outside the room. Tom was pacing up and down the corridor and Mary sat constantly fiddling with her hands.

Finally, Dr. Clarkson came out and Cora immediately asked what was wrong with them.

"Your ladyship, I'm afraid both of the children have a very serious fever that is dangerous for someone their age. There isn't much anyone can do but try to keep them cool and hope the fever breaks," Dr. Clarkson responded.

Mary couldn't believe it. This couldn't be happening. Not to Sybbie. Not to George, her dear boy. She almost shouted at the doctor, "There has to be something we can do. I can't just sit there and watch my son and my niece suffer. I will not stand for it!"

"I'm sorry milady, but that is exactly what you're going to have to do. Just do as I said before. I'm going to leave. I'll be back in the morning," Dr. Clarkson replied. He looked to Isobel and spoke quietly, "Call me if either of them get too serious." With that, he picked up his medical bag and took his leave.

Isobel went to go fetch some more cool towels for the children and Cora went to update Robert, leaving Mary and Tom alone in the nursery, staring at their sick children.

As George let out a particularly harsh cough, Mary began to break down. "This can't be happening. They have to be all right," she cried.

Tom walked over to her and grasped her arm tenderly and said, "They will be. We just have to wait." He spoke resolutely but Mary could see tears in the corner of his eyes.

Throughout the rest of the day and night, they waited and did what they could. Isobel, Cora and Nanny helped as much as they could, before Tom told them all to get some rest at around eleven. Mary and Tom remained to care for their children with only each other for help.

Another hour passed and thankfully, both William and Sybil had fallen asleep. Mary couldn't help but fear that one or both of them wouldn't wake up again. Mary and Tom sat down for some rest in the window seat. They sat in silence until Mary said quietly, "Do you think they'll be all right?"

"I can't say, Mary. If anything is just in this world, they will. This family can't take more heartache," Tom replied. He paused and continued, "You've been very strong through all of it."

Mary rolled her eyes as he spoke. "Do you call yelling at the doctor and moving around the nursery frantically being strong?" she asked.

"I'd call it being a mother and you're a damn good one," Tom said with a smile.

Mary smiled back at him. "Thank you for saying that and thank you for being here to go through this with me. It seems you're always here when I need you lately," she remarked.

"Of course I'm here. I'd be here even if Sybbie wasn't sick too," Tom responded. As he spoke, he reached for her hand and held it tightly.

Mary welcomed Tom's move. She was glad he was there. She found she really needed him. He had kept her calm through all of this. As he held her hand, she felt suddenly warm throughout her whole body. She hadn't felt like that since Matthew had last held her in the hospital and she didn't want the feeling to go away.

The feeling of warmth in Mary soon turned to tiredness and before she knew it, she had fallen asleep with her head resting on Tom's shoulder. Tom let her sleep where she was and didn't move away. He soon fell asleep as well and they stayed like that until morning. They were two parents caring for their sick children. If a stranger had walked in, they probably would have remarked on what a nice, little family they made.

Mary and Tom woke in the early morning to the sounds of Sybbie and George happily talking to each other in their cribs. Mary knew their fevers had broken and thankfully, all was well.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. My apologies that this chapter is a bit shorter than the others but trust me, there is some major development. This chapter is also kind of angsty. Sorry for that but it is bound to happen with these two. I so appreciate all your reviews and favorites and follows. It really gives me the motivation to keep going. I'm glad I'm not the only one who loves this pairing. Keep those reviews coming!__  
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_April 1923_

It was a beautiful Yorkshire spring day, one of the first since winter and everyone was venturing outside. Tom was going to inspect some of the farms on the estate and decided to bring along Sybbie as company. When he heard that Mary walking to Crawley House with George to visit Isobel, he suggested they walk part of the way together.

Sybbie and George had fully recovered from their illnesses, much to everyone's relief. It had made Mary and Tom much more protective over their children though. Having felt so close to losing the young ones had thoroughly frightened the two parents. Another effect of the scare was that Mary and Tom had become much closer, even more than they had been before. It seemed that just like with losing their spouses together, almost losing their children gave them something else to bond over.

This increased closeness was not something that had gone unnoticed by the rest of the Crawley family. Violet had managed to spew out more than a few cryptic remarks on the fact that Mary and Tom always managed to end up secluded in a corner with each other after dinner to which Cora only rolled her eyes. Not surprisingly, Robert seemed oblivious to their relationship. Mary and Tom had created gossip downstairs as well. Daisy and Ivy thought the relationship was romantic while Thomas and O'Brien jeered about it and Anna and Bates tried to stay silent on the matter. The only ones opposed to it seemed to be Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes. Mr. Carson thought his Lady Mary too good for Mr. Branson while Mrs. Hughes felt that Mr. Branson was too good for Lady Mary. Despite all this talk in the house, Mary and Tom seemed to not notice any of it.

They were slowly walking down the path from the big house with Sybbie a few steps ahead of them and George drifting off to sleep in the pram that Tom was pushing. Mary had wanted to do it herself but Tom had insisted that he should do it to which Mary remarked, "You do not have to feel obligated to do everything for me. You're no longer the chauffeur."

The mention of his previous career hurt Tom. Was he never to be anything besides the former chauffeur to the Crawleys? It hurt especially since it came from Mary who he thought was one of the only ones to truly accept him as part of the family. After digesting her remark for a while, Tom responded angrily, "Is that all I am to you still? Am I still the lowly servant who is intruding on the family?"

Mary looked taken aback at his words, but she quickly answered him. "Of course you aren't. You are part of this family. I am sorry if I upset you. I only meant it as a joke. You know I think much more of you than just a servant. Sometimes I feel like you are my only friend in this house," Mary spoke and smiled at Tom.

"You are quite frank with your feelings," Tom said as he looked to check on Sybbie ahead of them.

"Why do you say that? Did you think that I had none? You would not be the first," Mary asked.

Tom paused before he responded. He was reminded of a time when he had underestimated a woman's feelings before. After this thought, he answered her, "I know you have feelings. I have been a witness to them for the past year and a half."

"Have you now? Well if you have observed them, then I cannot understand why you would think I thought of you as anything less than my equal. I don't know if you can know me at all if you don't realize that fact," Mary snapped and she quickened her pace.

Tom was getting as angry as Mary now. "Perhaps you're right. I don't know you. I know you don't know me, because if you did, then you would know that I would be offended by your little joke!" Tom exclaimed.

Tom's shouting caused a sleeping George to stir in the pram and a confused Sybbie to look back at her arguing father and aunt. Mary would not look at Tom and they continued on in silence.

They soon came to the point in the road where there was the turn to go into the village and Tom could see that Mary was anxious to get away from him. They all stopped to separate. She grabbed the pram away from Tom and jerked it in the direction of the village.

Mary bent down and kissed Sybbie goodbye and as she rose, she looked at Tom and icily said, "Goodbye, Branson." With that, she took her leave while Tom clenched his jaw tightly.

Tom and Sybbie continued on their way to the farm. Tom was stewing. He was angry at Mary, but more than that, he was angry at himself too. She probably didn't mean anything by the joke, but he couldn't leave it alone. He had gone and insulted her in return and then she had called him Branson. Damn. That one stung. She knew exactly where to hit him to make it hurt.

Mary really did know him well and he thought he knew her well too. They had been getting along so well since Christmas. Why did he have to go and mess everything up? Tom didn't want her to be mad at him. To Tom, Mary's opinion meant a great deal. He grimaced when he thought of what her opinion of him must be right now.

Tom's thoughts were interrupted when Sybbie, who had been walking by his side all this time, tugged at his hand and asked, "Daddy, why did you and Auntie Mary yell?"

Tom stopped and crouched down to her level. As he did, he smiled at how well Sybbie was forming sentences now. He paused before he answered her, "We were just disagreeing over something. You don't need to worry about it, my girl."

Sybbie looked questioningly at Tom while he spoke. "You seemed really mad. Please don't yell at Auntie Mary anymore, Daddy. I like her," Sybbie said playfully.

Tom could only laugh at what Sybbie said. "I promise I won't and I like Auntie Mary too," Tom replied with a smile.

They were at the entrance to the farm now and as Tom opened the gate, he promised himself that he really wouldn't quarrel with Mary again. He vowed that he would fix what happened today, because he knew in his heart that he really did like Mary…a lot.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. So, I slacked off on my work and wrote another chapter because I really wanted to write this one. It's kind of a big one. I hope you enjoy. Keep up the reviews!_

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_June 1923_

Mary had retired to her bedroom quite early tonight. In fact, most of the family had done the same. It was not the happiest day in the Crawley family. It was the anniversary of Sibyl's death and even though it had been three years, the family was still deeply affected by it.

Nevertheless, it was not only the anniversary of Sibyl's death in the house. It was Sybbie's birthday too and the family made sure that her special day wasn't dampened by their grief. It had been a gorgeous day and they had all had a picnic outside to celebrate. Rosamund had come up from London for the occasion as had Edith, who spent most of her time in town nowadays. Sybbie seemed to like all her gifts, except she was partial to the beautiful dollhouse she received over the many dresses she got. George had been quite jealous of all the attention Sybbie was receiving, but Mary assured him he would get just as many gifts when his birthday came in September.

George's birthday was another one that would fall on the anniversary of a death. Mary always felt bad that her son's and niece's birthdays fell on days with such unpleasant memories. It wasn't their fault that their families associated these sorrowful days.

After Sybbie and George went to sleep, the family had no longer needed to keep up their charade. Cora had not even come down to dinner. Violet and Isobel left soon after the men came through and Rosamund and Edith went upstairs right after they departed. Robert, Mary and Tom had lingered a while, but they sat in silence for the most part. When Robert rose to leave, Mary immediately followed leaving Tom all alone downstairs.

Mary didn't want to be alone with Tom. He had tried to reconcile the night after their fight, but Mary did not want any of it. In fact, she was much angrier at Tom than he had been at her. She couldn't believe that he had thought so little of her that he honestly thought she still looked down at him. He was her closest friend and confidante. Didn't he realize that? Apparently he didn't and when he tried to apologize, she just couldn't accept it. She couldn't accept it, because he didn't really know her. Tom couldn't know what her true feelings were and how much he truly meant to her. So, they had gone about these months trying to avoid each other. They put on an act in front of everyone, but even the children noticed the hostility between them.

Mary was trying to read in bed to take her mind of this trying day when there was a knock at her door. She threw the covers back, quickly put on her dressing gown and went to answer the door. She opened it to find Mr. Carson standing in front of her. "What is the matter, Carson?" Mary asked.

Mr. Carson hesitated before he answered her. "It is Mr. Branson, milady. He is…in a state," he finally responded.

Mary was surprised to see Carson tongue-tied. It was not like him, but he was being quite vague about the matter. "What kind of a state?" Mary questioned.

"Well, he has drunk a bit more than is good for him. He is being quite troublesome. I know I should have gone to his lordship, but I thought you would be better able to handle it," Carson stated. He continued, "I know you two are quite close."

Mary took a sharp breath as he said those last words. No, they weren't close, at least not anymore. Nevertheless, she knew she should go help. "Where is he?" Mary inquired.

"He is in the library, milady," Mr. Carson answered.

"Thank you, Carson. I'll go see to Mr. Branson. Tell the staff they can go to bed," Mary said quietly as she closed her door and started for the stairs. "Goodnight," she called out as she went on.

When Mary entered the library, she saw Tom slumped on the floor with a nearly empty bottle of whiskey next to him. He was in quite a state indeed. She went over to him and he grunted something unintelligible as she used all her strength to get him off the floor and on to the settee. After he plopped him down onto the cushions, she sat down across from him on the ottoman.

Mary looked at Tom in the dim light and she knew he had been crying from his red and swollen eyes. She felt sorry for him. It was an extremely hard day for him and they had left him all alone. If Mary had not been so mad at him still, she would've probably been there to keep him from downing a whole bottle of whiskey. She immediately realized she had been quite stupid about the whole fight. Tom had needed Mary and she was not there for him, because she had worked herself up to thinking he didn't understand her. Of course Tom understood her, he had been the only one to understand her since Matthew died and she pushed him away. Mary hated herself for doing it.

This internal turmoil ended when Tom let out a rather loud groan. Mary remembered she was supposed to be taking care of him rather than sitting there thinking. "Tom, can you hear me? It's Mary. Are you all right?" Mary asked.

"M-M-Mary?" Tom stammered. "God, Mary. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hurt you and I'm sorry. I ruined what we had and now you hate me. I'm sorry, Mary," he rambled away.

Mary knew the whiskey was to blame for Tom's outburst, but she knew he meant it. She reached out for his hand with both of hers and said, "Tom, I don't hate you and I should be the one that is sorry. I should have accepted your apology when you first offered it."

Tom looked at her questioningly after Mary spoke. "So, you forgive me?" he asked. He was making more sense now. Mary nodded and Tom continued on, "I'm so glad. I missed you Mary. Tonight, I sat here thinking about Sibyl and you and I just started drinking. I think I overdid it a bit."

"I think you did," Mary responded as she laughed. "I should have been here for you, Tom. You needed me and I wasn't here, but know that I'll be here for you from on now. I promise," Mary said with a smile.

Mary and Tom stared at each other intently after Mary finished. Then suddenly, Tom reached out his hand and cupped Mary's cheek. Before she knew what was happening, Tom had pulled her face towards his and her lips to his. The kiss sent a warm sensation all throughout Mary's body that she hadn't felt in so long and unknowingly, she ran her hand through Tom's soft hair.

As suddenly as Tom had pulled Mary close, he pushed her away. He threw his hands into the cushions and exclaimed, "Mary, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm not myself."

"You don't need to be sorry. It's all right," Mary said quietly.

"Yes, I do! I don't know what I was doing…" Tom shouted and then trailed off. "Oh! I think I'm going to be sick," Tom muttered. He ran out of the library towards the nearest bathroom.

Mary was left there to process what just happened. Tom had kissed her and she liked it. She hadn't been kissed since Matthew died and she thought she would never enjoy another romantic embrace again, but she enjoyed kissing Tom. Tom apparently didn't enjoy it. He couldn't get away from her fast enough. They had just reconciled and now things were all messed up again.

Maybe Tom was right, perhaps they had done something wrong. He probably felt nothing romantic for her. He was drunk and he got carried away and he regretted it. This had to be it. They would have to put in behind them and just be friends. As Mary pondered all this, she heard Tom go upstairs. She guessed he didn't want to see her again, so she decided she should go back to her room.

Mary lied in bed that night unable to fall asleep. Everything that had transpired earlier kept running through her mind. Was she wrong for enjoying the kiss? Did Tom only want to be friends? Did she only want to be friends? All these questions couldn't be answered tonight, but one thing that Mary knew for sure was that everything about that kiss felt right to her.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. First of all, I'd like to thank all of you for your extraordinary support for this story. Since my last update, I have received such lovely reviews and I hope to receive more. They really give me the motivation to keep going. Second, I am back at college and I am busier so my updates might become more sporadic but I will vow to try my best to at least update once a week. I don't want to keep you guys waiting too long! Lastly, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was a tough one to write. _

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_June 1923_

Tom woke up the next morning feeling quite groggy. He knew he had drunk far too much last night. Tom usually could handle alcohol well but not an entire bottle of whiskey! He had had his reasons for drinking last night. His ongoing quarrel with Mary compounded by the anniversary of Sibyl's death had put him over the edge. So when he was left alone, he went to the library to find something to drown his sorrows with or at least to help him unwind.

Tom never expected that he would become so unwound that he would end the night kissing Mary and running away from her right after. He couldn't believe what he had done. Of all the things about last night that remained fuzzy in his mind, that memory was clear and fresh. As he lay in bed, Tom was trying to process it all. Why did he do it? Tom knew well enough that being drunk doesn't make you do things you don't want to do. Rather, it just removes your inhibitions about doing them. When he thought about it, he supposed he did want to kiss Mary. It was hard for him to admit that, but it was true. Whatever his reservations were about it, Tom knew he had feelings for Mary.

How could Tom not have feelings for Mary? Over the past months, they had bonded in a way he had never bonded with anyone before. They helped each other through their grief and they shared the responsibilities of having children that they needed to protect. In addition, they really just got along well. Of course, they came from vastly different backgrounds and held very different views, but when they were secluded with each other after dinner or playing with the children in the nursery, it felt right to be together. They debated issues together and made each other laugh and they had the potential to make each other happy, after they never thought they could be happy again.

Tom felt some guilt for feeling attracted to someone else other than Sybil, but it wasn't the guilt he had felt before with the housemaid. That had felt wrong and made him feel guilty, because it wasn't a true attraction. It was just a silly woman throwing herself at him and Tom indulging her more than he should have. With Mary, it was different. Tom wanted to be with her and they had a real connection. Mary made him happy and deep down Tom knew that Sybil wouldn't want him to be alone just to respect her memory. Sybil never wished unhappiness on anyone when she was alive and as hard as it was for Tom to accept, she would want him to find happiness without her.

Thinking about all this was giving Tom an even bigger headache that he already had. He decided he should get out of bed and get on with his day. As he rose and got dressed, he continued to dwell on Mary. What would he say to her when he saw her? He had to apologize again. He shouldn't have done what he did. It really wasn't all right, but how could he apologize for something he wanted to happen. Perhaps he didn't want it to happen like that, but Tom wanted it to happen. From what he remembered, Mary had reacted to the kiss well, but she probably was just being polite. How would she react when they discussed it in the light of day?

The answer to that question was soon answered. Tom had slept later than he usually did so he had missed breakfast. He didn't mind. He didn't have much of an appetite, so he decided to just go on with his day. Tom was walking downstairs when he noticed Mary in the Main Hall. She looked right at him and Tom knew he couldn't avoid her. He walked slowly over to where she stood.

"Good morning Mary," Tom gulped as he avoided making eye contact with her.

"Good morning. I do hope you are feeling better after last night. Papa said you missed breakfast and I was worried," Mary said questioningly.

Tom finally looked at her and responded, "Oh. I did feel rather ill when I first woke, but I'm all right now. I hope you didn't tell Robert why I was missing."

"Of course I didn't, though he might notice the missing whiskey," Mary said with a laugh.

Tom couldn't believe how smoothly this was going. He thought Mary would have acted differently, but she was behaving as if nothing had happened last night. Tom knew he had to bring it up though. Even if she could pretend the kiss didn't happen, he knew he couldn't.

Tom looked down at the floor before he started to speak. "Mary, I wanted to apologize for my behavior last night. I was not myself and I was out of line," he said.

"Tom, there is no need to apologize. You were in a bad way. You did something you regret and we can forget about it. I just don't want this to affect our friendship," Mary stated resolutely.

Tom was stunned by what she said. He had expected her to be gracious, but he had not expected her to act like it was nothing. It was not nothing to him, but if that's how she felt, he would respect it.

After mulling her remarks over, Tom replied, "If that is what you wish, we can pretend it never happened." He paused before he spoke again. He wanted to emphasize what he was about to say. Tom looked Mary straight in the eye as he spoke, "I want you to know Mary that nothing will jeopardize our friendship or how I feel about you, nothing."

"Good. I'm glad. I hate to have to go, but I am expected at Isobel's for tea. Goodbye," Mary remarked and she walked away.

"Goodbye Mary," Tom responded and he turned around to leave as well. When he turned, he saw Violet coming towards him, her cane clashing loudly with the floor as she came closer.

"Good day Bran…Tom," Violet spoke. "You look quite dreadful. Are you well?" she inquired.

"I'm fine, your ladyship. I just didn't sleep very well last night," Tom replied.

"Ah, I see. Are you sure it wouldn't have anything to do with your conversation with Mary just now? I saw her walking away as I arrived," Violet remarked.

"With all due respect, I can't imagine what you mean," Tom responded.

Violet gave him one of her questioning looks and said, "Just because I am old, does not mean that I am blind nor is anyone else in this house."

"I never meant to insult you, your ladyship, but Mary and I were just having a friendly chat," Tom stated.

"Hmm…a friendly chat? So, you and Mary are just friends?" Violet asked.

Tom was getting tired of Violet's questions. "Yes, we are good friends," he replied coldly.

"Does Mary say you are friends?" Violet again questioned.

"Yes, actually," Tom said. He laughed to himself on the irony of her asking that when Mary had just said those exact words.

Violet paused before she spoke, "Well, so she does, but I must caution you, Tom. You must learn to forget most of what Mary says. She rarely voices her true feelings."

Without warning, Violet quickly walked away, leaving Tom pondering on her words. So, it was apparent that everyone else had noticed what was going on between Mary and him. Besides that, Tom thought more of what Violet said about Mary. Why wouldn't Tom believe what Mary said to him? He had no reason not to. She said they were friends and he had to take her at her word. Despite this, Tom couldn't help but hope that Violet was right.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. Well, here is the jealousy storyline that a few of you have been asking for. I hope you enjoy it. Keep up the reviews._

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_July 1923_

They are just friends. They are good friends and that is it. There may be something else there, but nothing would ever come of it. They are just friends.

These were all things Mary kept telling herself in the month since she said those same words to Tom. She wasn't sure if she was telling herself these things just to reinforce their truth or if she was trying to convince herself that they were true. Deep down, Mary knew that it wasn't true that Tom and she were just friends. She knew she had feelings for her that were much more romantic in nature than friendly. Despite knowing this in her heart, Mary knew she was quite unable to voice her feelings to Tom or anyone else. No, she would continue this charade of being friends with the man she was unknowingly slowly falling in love with.

One of the major reasons for Mary keeping these feelings to herself was that she had little reason to believe that Tom had the same feelings about her. Sure, he had kissed her, but that could be written off as Tom having too much to drink. He said as much himself and couldn't have gotten away from her fast enough after it happened. Then, the next day Tom apologized for it again and she had said they were just friends which he seemed to agree with. Nevertheless, Mary couldn't help but notice a hint of disappointment in Tom's expression after she told him that though. No, she was most likely mistaken. He wanted nothing more than a close friendship.

Even if Tom did want more, Mary wasn't sure she could ever be with someone again. Mary had only loved once in her life. She had felt nothing more than friendship for Patrick and she certainly did not love Richard, but she had loved Matthew. She had loved Matthew deeply as he loved her, but that was something she had only felt with him and Mary wasn't sure if it was possible to feel like that again. In novels, true love was a once in a lifetime experience, but Mary did wonder if that was really true. Perhaps, one only has that madly passionate love she had with Matthew once, but there was a chance that one could find a different kind of love again. A kind of love that was simple and easy, but it would be love nonetheless.

None of this deep thought on love really mattered though, because Mary and Tom had kept true to their vow to be only friends in the weeks that had followed. Their relationship wasn't necessarily different, but Mary noticed more things about Tom now and admired them more than she had before. She noticed how he had continued his and Matthew's plan to modernize the estate and that Robert had remarked that it was bringing in much more revenue than it had before. Mary noticed how good of a father Tom was to Sybbie and how good of an uncle he was to George. She even noticed how he looked very fine in his dinner jacket from across the table.

Tonight was one of the nights where Mary found herself admiring Tom from where he was seated directly across her at dinner. She was glad he was too busy speaking to Isobel to notice her staring at him. Mary's fixation on Tom was broken when Rose tried to start up a conversation with her.

"Are you all right, Cousin Mary? You have been staring into space for some time now," Rose questioned.

Mary was thankful Rose hadn't noticed what she was actually staring at and she turned to look at Rose, who was seated directly to her left. "I'm fine, Rose. Thank you for asking. I was just thinking," Mary responded.

Before Rose could speak again, they were interrupted by Isobel's laughter at something Tom had said. This caused Rose to change the topic of the conversation.

"Tom is quite funny, isn't he? It's good that after such a tragedy, one can find humor in life again," Rose stated.

"Why Rose, aren't you philosophical?" Mary said as she rolled her eyes. "Tom is very funny. It's one of his better qualities," Mary continued.

Rose looked back at Tom before she spoke again. "He has many good qualities I think, being handsome chiefly among them," Rose giggled.

Mary could only laugh to herself at Rose's shallowness. Eventually, she responded, "Rose, I think that Tom has other qualities that are more important than his appearance."

Rose immediately replied, "Oh of course, you are right. He is very well positioned as manager of the estate too. In fact, I find him quite the catch."

Mary tensed up as Rose spoke. She couldn't believe what Rose was saying. Mary could see that Rose hadn't changed much since she came to live at Downton almost a year and half ago. She was still very naïve and foolish. How could she say she wanted Tom only for his looks and money? She was a stupid girl, indeed.

After this reflection, Mary said, "I don't think you should speak of such things, Rose. It isn't very ladylike."

With that remark, their little conversation ended and Mary and Rose went back to eating, except now there were two pairs of eyes set on Tom for the rest of dinner.

After Robert and Tom had joined the ladies in the drawing room, Mary found herself observing the rest of her family around her. Violet and Isobel were bickering as usual while Cora looked on and Edith was telling Robert of the news in town. Mary then noticed Rose speaking to Tom near the windows. Mary could hear Rose giggling like a school girl over practically ever thing Tom was saying to her. She couldn't help but become angrier and angrier as she observed them from across the room.

Mary sat there for some time watching Tom and Rose until she couldn't take it anymore. She wasn't sure it is was out of concern for Tom, a worry for the propriety of the conversation or just pure jealousy that made her rise and make her way to where the two of them stood. Once Mary reached them, she stood there for a few seconds unbeknownst to them, which made her even more furious.

Finally Tom turned to Mary and said, "Oh, Mary. I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Mary, Tom and I were just having the most enjoyable conversation," Rose said as she laughed.

Mary sharply drew in a breath, before she spoke. "I'm sure you were. I could hear how enjoyable it was from across the room," Mary stated as she pursed her lips.

"Did you want something, Mary?" Tom asked.

Mary froze. She hadn't thought up a reason as to why she came over before she had acted. Mary ran many ideas through her head before she came up with one that sounded plausible and she ran with it.

"Since it is Saturday tomorrow, I thought we could take a picnic with the children to the lake, provided the weather is fine," Mary said shakily.

"That sounds like a great idea. I have some work to see to in the morning, but I will be free the rest of the day," Tom responded.

"That does sound lovely. Perhaps, I shall join you?" Rose chimed in.

Before Tom could speak, Mary did. "We will be with Sybbie and George. I don't know if you would enjoy being around the children all day," she said hoping it would discourage Rose.

"Oh, I don't mind. I love children," Rose answered.

"Well, it sounds like a plan then. Shall we say noon?" Tom inquired to Mary.

Mary knew she was stuck. "Noon is perfect," she said with a fake smile. "Now, I believe Mama wants to speak to me. Excuse me," Mary spoke and walked away, making her escape.

Later that night, Mary could only sit up and admire what a mess she had gotten herself into, all because she was jealous of Rose. Why should she be jealous? She and Tom were just friends and surely Tom wouldn't care for Rose. She was just a silly girl, but Mary was jealous. Even if Mary couldn't admit her feelings aloud, she knew what they were inside. She wanted Tom and now she was stuck going on a picnic with him and Rose tomorrow. Well, perhaps it would rain.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. Sorry for it being almost a week since I last updated, but I have been busy with school and I was a bit stuck as to how to write this chapter. I hope you like it. Keep up with the reviews. They are so appreciated._

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_July 1923_

It did not rain. Tom woke up to find sunshine poking through the closed drapes of his bedroom. It was going to be a lovely day for a picnic. He got up and dressed quickly so he could get an early start on the work he had to do before the outing.

After breakfast, Tom found himself at his desk in his little office that was formerly an unused room Cora had insisted be renovated for Tom's personal use much to Robert's opposition. That had been years ago when Tom had first decided he would stay at Downton with Sybbie instead of moving into the old estate manager's house. A lot had changed in those few years. Tom now felt confident as the estate manager, a job he felt totally unprepared for in the beginning. His daughter was getting bigger and bigger by the day and Tom took so much enjoyment in being a father. If only other parts of his life were as satisfying.

Instead of finishing some paperwork, Tom's mind was wandering. He couldn't help but wonder why Mary had suggested a picnic so suddenly last night. It was sure to be a lovely time with the children, but it still felt odd. He knew Mary wasn't the impulsive type which made it all the more strange. Tom also saw that Mary obviously did not want Rose to come along. Of course, Rose was a little tiring at times, but she was a nice girl that probably found life at Downton boring at most times and a picnic seemed like a bit of fun for her. Why wouldn't Mary want her there? Tom was sure that it probably wasn't that Mary didn't like Rose. Could it be that she had wanted them to be alone?

Perhaps that was the answer. Mary had said she just wanted to be friends and Tom had seen no inclination that she had changed her mind, but Violet's words to him that Mary often didn't mean what she said had stuck with him. Was Mary hiding other feelings for him? Could she possibly feel the same way about him that he was beginning to feel about her? Tom knew that if she did, she was probably just as or more scared than he was about it.

When the clock struck half past eleven, Tom knew he had been daydreaming for far longer than he thought. He told Mary and Rose that they could leave at noon. Tom hadn't finished his work but none of it was too urgent and could left until later. He got up from his desk and went to fetch his coat and hat.

Tom met an already assembled Mary, Rose and the children in the hall a few minutes later. Alfred was loading a basket filled with food and other goodies by Mrs. Patmore and a blanket into the back of the car. The lake was in walking distance, but Tom hadn't wanted to tire out Sybbie and George who were both walking now. As they got into the car, Tom couldn't help but notice how Mary tensed up. Even though it had been almost two years, he knew she still was afraid to drive anywhere and preferred to walk whenever she could.

It took Tom only a few minutes to drive the small party to their destination. Mary had chosen a fine spot for a picnic. The lake was lovely this time of year. Tom went and got the things out of the trunk while Mary and Rose held George and Sybbie, respectively. He laid out the blanket and Mary and Rose set down the children so they were free to roam around. They soon set up to eat their lunch.

Mrs. Patmore had not disappointed. The lunch was delicious and now everyone was nibbling on the raspberry tarts she had included for dessert. There hadn't been much conversation since they were eating, but now that they were almost done, Rose decided to start one up.

"I don't believe I have ever been to this part of the estate. It is quite a scenic spot. It reminds me of Duneagle a bit," Rose said and she turned around to look at the glistening lake.

"Do you miss being at Duneagle?" Tom asked.

"At times, I do. I loved how it was so wild up there. Compared to Yorkshire, Scotland is almost a jungle," Rose laughed.

Mary rolled her eyes at Rose's words. "Perhaps if you like to live in the wild so much, you should have gone with your parents to India," Mary retorted.

"Perhaps I should have, but that choice was not left up to me," Rose said quietly and paused before she went on, "So I left here at Downton even if that is not agreeable to everyone."

Tom could tell that Rose was hurt by what Mary had said. He watched the young girl fidget uncomfortably on the blanket for a few moments until she spoke again.

"Would you two mind if I took Sybbie and George down to the lakeside? They both look antsy and I could use a bit of exercise," Rose asked Mary and Tom.

Tom looked at the two children. They did look quite bored and he knew Rose wanted to get away. "I don't mind if Mary doesn't," he replied and looked to Mary for her answer.

"Neither do I. Just don't let them get in the water," Mary said sternly.

Rose nodded and led Sybbie and George towards the lake. The two toddlers wobbled as Rose held their hands.

Tom watched them go and turned to speak to Mary. "Don't you think you were a bit harsh with Rose?" he inquired.

"No, it was just an innocent comment. She said herself she might have been happier in India than here at Downton," Mary responded.

Tom could tell Mary knew she had been harsh too and just wasn't going to admit it. He added, "I don't believe she thought it was an innocent comment. Do you have something against her?"

"Why would I have anything against her? She is just a silly girl," Mary answered with a laugh.

"A silly girl who you obviously didn't want to come with us today," Tom stated.

Mary looked at Tom before she spoke, "I didn't want her to come with us, because I was trying to protect you. She has designs for you. She told me she found you a catch."

Tom laughed to himself over the fact that Mary would actually think he needed protection from someone like Rose. "Even if Rose did try to throw herself at me, what makes you think I would need you to protect me?" Tom questioned Mary.

"Well, we are friends. Friends are supposed to look out for each other, I thought. I was just looking out for a woman making undesired advances on you," Mary responded.

Tom smiled at what he was about to say, because he knew it would irritate Mary. "What makes you think the advances would be undesired? Do you believe my affections lie elsewhere?" he said.

"I know well enough to know that your affections certainly do not lie with Rose. I know you could never feel anything for someone so foolish," Mary snapped.

"Ah, you are right, but if we weren't such great friends, I would think you were jealous," Tom said jokingly.

Mary fussed with her hat as she said angrily, "Jealous? Don't be ridiculous, Tom. Please do not mistake my concern for a friend as anything more than that. I cannot believe you would say I was jealous."

Tom could tell Mary was getting very flustered and before he could speak again, he noticed Rose heading back towards the blanket with the children. The conversation was over and it had not ended well. Tom had only meant to tease Mary, but he had obviously hit a nerve. Mary suggested they leave and they packed up and headed home after a very tense picnic.

Later that night, Tom was room preparing to change for bed. He still bucked the family and didn't use a valet. As he was laying out his pajamas, he reflected on what had happened today. Even if she denied it, Tom knew very well that Mary was jealous of Rose, but did that mean that Violet had been right? Were they more than friends? Did Mary have romantic feelings for him?

Before Tom could answer those questions, a knock at the door interrupted him. Tom walked over to the door and was shocked by who it was when he opened it.

It was Mary.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. Well, thanks to a certain reader who has pestered me into updating quickly, I have and I think I've given you guys a good chapter. I know you were all on the edge of your seats with the cliffhanger in the last update, so here you go. Enjoy! Keep up with the reviews!_

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_July 1923_

Mary watched Tom become more and more flustered in the seconds they stood at the door before he finally invited her in.

To be sure, Mary could understand Tom's shock at having her pay an evening call to his bedroom. She was shocked at herself for coming too, but ever since they all returned from the picnic, Mary had felt the need to clear the air. She knew she had behaved badly towards Rose, even though Mary didn't feel necessarily too guilty for doing it. More importantly, Mary knew she had only gotten so angry at Tom for saying she was jealous, because she knew she really was jealous. Every time Rose batted her eyelashes at Tom or joked with him, Mary's blood boiled.

Mary knew why she was jealous. It wasn't that she just was envious of other's happiness or love. It was that she wanted to be in Rose's place. Mary had feelings for Tom. She knew that implicitly. Whether it was lust or love, she knew not. Mary just knew that she wanted him, but she could not reconcile those feelings within herself. She didn't know if she could ever open herself to someone again. She wanted to, but was it possible? More than that, Mary did not know if she had the strength to voice these feelings. Would Tom reject them? Mary couldn't know how he would react and she didn't want to risk their friendship over it.

All of these emotions and thoughts went into Mary's decision to seek out Tom tonight and they hung in the air between them as Mary awkwardly paced back and forth in the bedroom. She could see Tom staring at her, not knowing what to do or say. Finally, Mary stopped and turned to face him.

"Tom, I know this must be odd for you to have me here now, but I felt I needed to speak to you," Mary spoke calmly and then paused. "I want to apologize for my behavior today. You were right. I was harsh with Rose and I was rude to you. I am sorry for it," Mary stammered out before she paused again.

Tom took this pause as a chance to reply. "There really isn't a need to apologize, Mary. I said things I shouldn't have said either. I shouldn't have accused you of being jealous…" he managed to say before Mary interrupted him.

"No. You had every right to say I was jealous, because it was the truth," Mary said so quietly that Tom had to lean in to hear her.

Mary stopped speaking. She stopped doing anything. She looked at Tom, who she could tell was beginning to comprehend what her words meant. In the period of silence that they were now in, Mary made a decision. It was a rash one and one that she normally wouldn't have made. Mary had once been called cold and careful, but in this moment, she had no desire to be either. In this moment, she knew she just had to say how she felt and could only hope that it wouldn't come back to hurt her.

"Tom, I was jealous, because I have feelings for you," Mary spoke shakily. She closed her eyes and somewhere within, she found courage, because her next words flowed out quickly. She went on, "I don't know what I feel, only that I find that I want to be near you and I want to be with you. I don't know why I feel like this. I just know that with you, I feel like I'm alive again. I've been dead for two years, but with you, I feel alive."

Mary looked to Tom to say something, but there was no reply. He stood there, almost as if he were frozen. His eyes were locked on hers that were beginning to tear.

Mary could no longer wait for him and she continued pouring out her feelings. "I know I said that we were only friends, but I only said that, because I was frightened. I was afraid of what that kiss meant. The kiss awakened something I hadn't felt in a long time. Then, you seemed to regret it so much, but I did not," Mary cried. "I didn't regret it," she repeated.

Finally, Tom spoke. "I didn't either," he said as he looked down to his feet, which were awkwardly shuffling back and forth. Now, he looked back up to Mary. "I have feelings for you too. They have been coming on steadily for so long and that kiss was just everything coming to the surface. I only said that I regretted it, because I didn't think that you returned my feelings. Then, you said that we should just be friends so I left it at that, but…" Tom trailed off as he walked towards Mary so that they were only inches apart. He then continued, "…all I want to do is kiss you again."

With that, Tom leaned in and raised his hands so that they cupped Mary's face. He smiled at her and Mary smiled back. Soon, his lips were on hers and it felt heavenly. It was not like the previous time where everything was so fast and sloppy. This time, it was slow and passionate. Mary wrapped her arms around his neck and her hands found their way into his hair as they had before. She could now feel his tongue on her lips trying to gain entry and she opened her mouth to allow it. Mary felt the heat from his tongue on hers and she felt his hands lower from her face to her torso. Tom grabbed her arms tenderly and pulled her close so that they could feel each other's chests beating against their own.

They stood like that for what was actually minutes, but felt like an eternity. Then, Tom began to slowly walk towards the bed, bringing Mary with him, who went along gladly. When they reached the side of the bed, Tom gently laid Mary down on the bed with him on top of her. Their lips never parted except for the occasional moment to catch their breath. Mary's hands went from Tom's hair to his back which she grabbed at ferociously and she soon began to attempt to pull his dinner jacket off. As she did, Tom pulled away from her.

"We shouldn't," Tom whispered.

As much as she didn't want to stop, Mary knew he was right. "I know. I'll go," Mary replied.

Tom didn't get off of her though. "No, you don't have to go. Stay for a bit," Tom said with a smile.

Mary nodded. Tom got off of her now and proceeded to kick off his shoes, slip off his jacket and loosened his tie. He climbed on the bed and laid back. Mary watched him do all this and then she took off her own shoes and laid down next to him. Her head found his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her. Before they knew it, they were both fast asleep.

Mary awoke in the early morning to a dark and cold room. She laid there for some time processing what had transpired the night before. Mary had never meant for anything like that to happen, but it had all been so fast. She was instantly frightened by the thought of it all. She had told Tom how she felt and he had returned his feelings and then things had been so intimate. What did this mean? Would Tom want to court her? Would he propose? He probably would, she thought. Mary knew she wasn't ready for that. She knew she had to stop this and she continued to lie there in Tom's arms for some time before she thought of what to do.

Carefully, Mary extricated herself from Tom's embrace so that she would not wake him. She got out of the bed and slipped on her shoes. Mary walked over to a small desk near the fireplace. She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and scribbled a short note. Next, Mary tiptoed back to the bed to set the note on the bedside table. She leant down and kissed Tom softly on the forehead before she left.

Mary quickly walked back to her room. It was dawn, so she knew the servants would already be up and she rang the bell. While Mary waited for Anna, she changed into the nightgown and dressing gown that Anna had laid out for her last night when she told her that she would change for bed herself. Mary thought about undoing her hair, but it was such a mess that she decided to leave it alone.

Anna arrived quickly and was bewildered by Mary's unkempt appearance and the fact that she had rang so early. Ivy hadn't even been in to lay the fire.

"Anna, I am sorry that I am up at this time of morning, but I need to get an early start today," Mary stated.

"It's no problem, milady, but why do you need such an early start? I didn't think you had any engagements planned for today," Anna remarked.

Mary replied, "Actually, I do. I am going to London to stay with Lady Rosamund. Will you please pack my things and please tell Nanny to do the same for Master George. I will be leaving on the earliest train."

Anna look shocked. She finally gathered her thoughts enough to say something. "I'm sorry, milady. I just was not aware that you were planning on visiting London. How long will you be staying?" Anna asked.

Mary looked out to the grounds through a space between the closed drapes as two images ran through her mind. Tom. Matthew. Tom. Matthew. Finally, she turned back to Anna and answered her, "Indefinitely."


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: _I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. So, it's been a week since the big chapter. I hope you all don't hate me too much for the way this story is going. This chapter isn't much better, but there is a method to my madness. Keep up with the reviews. I do appreciate them more than you can know. Enjoy! _

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_July 1923_

Tom woke up in the morning to find that he was alone in bed. He did not think much of it. Mary must have woken up before him and went to her room to avoid one of the servants finding them together. They both surely did not want anyone to find out about what had happened last night. Still, it would have been nice to wake up with her in his arms. He had fallen asleep rather easily last night, knowing that she was beside him and he slept better than he had in a long while. When Tom thought about it, he hadn't slept like that since the last time he shared a bed with Sibyl.

Now that Tom was awake, he could not stop replaying last night's events over and over again in his mind. Mary's lips had felt so soft and the feeling of her arms wrapped around him had been so thrilling. Tom was sorry that it had to end, but he was glad that they had stopped before anything serious had actually happened. They should take things slow. There was no need to rush. Now that Mary and Tom had both admitted how they felt about each other, they had time to figure out what that meant.

If Tom was to be honest, he had no idea what it meant. Sure, they had both revealed their feelings and there was an obvious attraction between them, but what did that all really mean? Tom felt so strongly about Mary, a feeling he had only had once before with Sybil. It was the beginning of love. Tom might not be fully conscious of that fact yet, but with every conversation, argument and embrace, he was falling in love with Mary. The problem was that Tom did not know if Mary returned these feelings. She was so hard to read. One minute she was cold and the next she was burning hot. One thing Tom was sure of was that at the very least, Mary wanted to explore their relationship as much as he did. Lying in bed, Tom resolved that that was what he would do. He would just wait and see where his relationship with Mary went and follow his heart and intuition along the way.

Tom suddenly felt the need to go and talk to Mary. He probably wouldn't get the chance to this morning. Mary still took her breakfast in her room and he was stuck with Robert, Rose and occasionally, Edith downstairs. He would see her after in the nursery as they usually visited Sybbie and George together later on in the morning. Tom smiled at the prospect of seeing her and he dressed rather quickly, completely missing the small note that lay on his bedside table.

When Tom arrived in the dining room, he found Robert reading the newspaper as usual and Rose and Edith talking quietly with each other. He made up his plate and went to sit down. No one spoke to him, which wasn't all together that unusual, but he did notice Rose sending a smile his way. Tom supposed Mary was right about Rose trying to flirt with him.

Tom was nibbling on some toast when Robert spoke to Edith, "So Mary did not say anything to you about going to London?"

"As I have already said twice, Papa," Edith responded. "Besides, Mary would hardly share her plans with me," she added.

Robert nodded and turned to speak to Tom, "Do you know why Mary went to London?"

Tom barely heard what Robert said to him. He was too busy processing the news. Mary had gone to London. Rather, she had run away. That is why she had left his room early in the morning. She was running away from him, from them. Tom couldn't believe it. How could Mary have done this? How could she leave without a word after what had happened between them last night?

Tom was broken out of his racing thoughts by Robert shouting at him, "Tom! Did you hear me? Do you know why Mary went to town?"

"Oh. I'm sorry, Robert," Tom stammered out. "No, I have no idea why she left. Is she already gone?" Tom asked quietly.

"Yes, she left this morning with George. Anna told Mrs. Hughes that they were going to Rosamund's and that Mary did not know how long she would be staying," Robert stated.

"My maid said Cousin Mary took quite a lot of luggage with her. I expect she will stay for some time," Rose chimed in.

Everyone was silent for a moment before Robert spoke up again, "Tom, Mary took along the nanny with her so Mrs. Hughes has sent one of the maids up to see to Sybbie."

"Oh, thank you," Tom mumbled. "I think I'll go up and see if she has everything under control, if you all will excuse me," he said as he rose and quickly shuffled out of the room. Tom couldn't wait to get away from everyone.

As Tom ascended the stairs, he continued to wonder why Mary had left. Everything had gone so well last night. Of course, it had been a bit awkward to share their feelings, but as they had fallen asleep in each other's arms, it had felt so right. Obviously, Mary had not felt the same. Was she just scared? Surely, he would be able to convince her that they could take things slow. If she felt rushed into something she wasn't prepared for, then Tom would allow everything to go at a pace she felt comfortable in. He would make this right. He only wished he knew why exactly Mary had gone.

Tom opened the door to the nursery to find the maid managing Sybbie reasonably well. He recognized her as one of the maids who he had worked with while he was still the chauffeur. She had grown up with lots of brothers and sisters, which Tom guessed was why she was getting on acting as a nanny. At least he could be thankful that he didn't have to worry about his daughter being mishandled at the moment. Tom had enough on his mind.

Tom played with Sybbie for well over an hour. Her smile and the sound of her little laugh made Tom feel better. He was still upset though and his daughter noticed it.

"Daddy, why are you sad?" Sybbie asked innocently.

Tom faked a smile and responded, "I'm not sad, darling. Why do you think I am?"

"You're not laughing, Daddy!" Sybbie yelled. "Is it because George and Auntie Mary left?" she inquired.

"Well I will miss them," Tom answered. He had to marvel at how perceptive his young daughter was.

Sybbie frowned and said, "I miss them too. They'll come home soon, won't they?"

"I hope so, darling," Tom stated somberly, knowing that they probably wouldn't.

When Tom returned to his room after visiting Sybbie, he plopped down on the bed. He looked to his side and noticed a small note with his name on it placed quite prominently on his bedside table. Tom wondered why he hadn't noticed it before, but he supposed one of the maids must have placed it there. He picked it up and looked at the handwriting on the front. It was Mary's. Tom's heart stopped. She had left something after all. Perhaps, she explained why she left or maybe, she wanted him to come see her. He quickly unfolded the small sheet of paper. When he read what it said, his hopes were dashed.

_Tom,_

_I'm sorry. I can't do this. Don't come after me._

_- Mary_

His worst fears were true after all. Mary didn't want a relationship. She didn't love him. It was all a mistake. The plans Tom had made this morning were for nothing. They would never be together. The second chance for love Tom had thought he had was gone.

Tom remained on the bed as tears wetted the note that had destroyed his dreams.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N:_ I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. So, first of all, I am so incredibly sorry for how long it has been since my last update. I know you all have been waiting for it, but I've been incredibly busy for the last few weeks. Papers and midterms, you know the usual, but I'm on Spring Break right now so I hope to update a few times this week and continue my weekly update after I get back to college. Second, most of you have probably heard that they released the name of Mary and Matthew's son. It is George and since I am anal, I couldn't have my story have the wrong name, so I went through all the chapters and changed all mentions of him to George. I hope you aren't too confused when you see that name now. Lastly, as always, thank you all for your continued support. I do appreciate so much and I hope you all continue to support me in the future. Let me know with your reviews. Enjoy!_

* * *

_September 1923_

Mary watched the couple walk slowly down the street. They walked with a leap in their step and the man occasionally whispered something into the woman's ear to which she always laughed at. They could not be more than twenty and they both looked so happy. What Mary give to be that young again when things were so much simpler. At twenty, all Mary was concerned with was being betrothed to Patrick and wishing she was not. Now it was more than ten years later and how things had changed.

As the couple began to walk out of Mary's view from the window, she could not stop thinking about how happy they looked. Was something wrong with her that she cannot be happy? Of course, she had that year and a half with Matthew and that was bliss, but when put in perspective with the rest of her life, it seemed like it had only been a fleeting moment in time. Mary had been resigned after Matthew died to never truly being happy again. She could find some happiness in raising George, but true happiness would never come her way.

Then, the past year happened. Tom had happened. Those days spent together in the nursery with Sybbie and George had happened. Those conversations that no one else would understand besides them had happened. That kiss in the library had happened. That night in Tom's room had happened. Mary had opened up her heart again and now she found it hard to close it up again. When her heart opened, she realized that Matthew was still very much a part of it and he always would be. Mary did not know if there was room for Tom in it now. If she was honest with herself, she could admit that he already was in her heart and like Matthew, he was not going anywhere.

But Mary had gone somewhere. She had run. That morning, she had woken up and she felt she had to get away. She could not stop thinking about Tom and what had happened and then she could not stop remembering Matthew. This feeling of guilt and confusion had arisen in her and she had to run. She just had to get away from everything and clear her head.

The problem was that Mary had been in London for a month and a half now and her head was still filled with thoughts about Tom and guilt over Matthew. Running away had not solved the problem like she thought it would. Looking back now, Mary realized how childish it was to think that running away was ever the answer, but she still had no desire to return to Downton. What would she go back to? Mary would walk back into the same situation she left or one that was even worse. No, she had to stay in London, hoping that she would find some solution to her woes.

Mary was probably the only person that thought she should stay in London. Her family wrote to ask when she was returning and she could tell Aunt Rosamund was tired of having a toddler in her house. Mary looked down at a letter from Cora that had just arrived that morning that rested on window seat next to her. She scanned it over for the third or fourth time.

_Dearest Mary,_

_I am writing again to inquire as to when you will be coming home. Everyone misses you and little George, desperately. Your father and Tom have been quite forlorn lately and I expect your absence is to blame. _

_Honestly, this is getting a tad ridiculous. You leave with no explanation in the middle of the night and then will not tell me or anyone why you left or when you are returning. I only hear about how you are doing from your aunt since you seldom answer these letters. _

_Please Mary, come back or at least tell me why you choose not to. _

_With love,_

_Mama _

Mary could not blame her mother for being angry with her and it was not the first letter she had received from Cora like this. She did not really care about it though. What Mary was focusing on was the mention of Tom. Of course he was forlorn. How could he not be? Mary had left him with no explanation except that horrible note. Tom did not deserve this. He should find a woman that could return his affections openly not leave him in the cold after a night like they had. Mary's breath hitched when she thought of that night. Everything about it had felt so right. It had made her feel alive. It had made her happy.

As Mary's mind wandered in the past, she was interrupted by the opening of the sitting room door. She looked up to see Rosamund walking in and rolling her eyes at Mary sitting alone at the window. It was something that Rosamund had gotten used to seeing since Mary spent most of her free time somberly staring outside.

"Honestly, Mary! It's no wonder you sit at the window so often since you never go on the other side of it," Rosamund quipped as she sat down in one of the armchairs. "Come over here and sit. It is time for tea," she ordered as she motioned Mary towards the settee.

Mary came over and sat down and Rosamund starting pouring their tea. As Rosamund handed Mary her cup, she continued, "I received another letter from your mother today and one from Mama, both asking when you were coming home. Cora said she wrote to you as well, asking the same question."

"She did," Mary whispered.

"And are you going to answer her or should I prepare to have George here until he leaves for Eton?" Rosamund asked jokingly.

Mary looked to the window that she favored so much before responding. "If you want me to leave, I will," Mary said.

"Of course you do not have to leave until you are ready, but I cannot help but think that being here is not healthy for you," Rosamund replied. "You never go out. You have been here for more than a month and I can count of one hand the number of times you have left this house. All you do is sit in the nursery or sit at that window, barely speaking more than five words each day," she continued on with real concern for her niece.

"I have no desire to do anything else, Aunt Rosamund," Mary muttered sadly.

Rosamund set down her cup and reached for Mary's hand. "I know what you are going through, my dear. When your uncle died, I thought my life was over. I could not imagine living the rest of my days without him and at least I had Marmaduke for much longer than you had Matthew. Then time passed and it got better. It will get better, Mary. You will have a life again," Rosamund said as she smiled warmly.

Mary closed her eyes tightly, fighting back tears and tried to speak but there were no words. There were never any words when she tried to talk about her feelings. Those thoughts about Tom and Matthew and everything else were something that she would always keep to herself.

Rosamund tired of waiting for Mary to reply and went on herself, "What you need to do is go out. You need to try to live again. In fact, there is a dinner party this Friday at Lord Branksome's. We will go."

"Aunt Rosamund, I couldn't," Mary pleaded. She had no desire to go to any social gathering much less some dreary dinner party.

"No, I insist that if you are going to stay here that you have to go into society with me," Rosamund answered back and paused before she continued, "It will be good for you, my dear. Evelyn Napier will be there. He is always good fun and he is lately engaged. You can meet his fiancée."

Mary admitted that it would be nice to see Evelyn again. She hadn't seen him since her wedding. If she had to go out, at least she would do it with friendly faces, but she couldn't help but dread the thought out it.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N:_ I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. So, I promised you all multiple updates this week to make up for there being none the past two weeks and here is another chapter. A couple of you said you missed Tom in the last chapter and here he is, but you will probably now say that you miss Mary. I guess I can't win, but the next few chapters will continue to see our lovers apart from each other. Hope you all can make it through. Anyways, keep up with the reviews. I do love them so much. I actually compulsively check my email after I update to see if I get any. That probably sounds pathetic. Nevertheless, Enjoy!_

* * *

_September 1923_

Tom knew Mary was not returning any time soon when she sent Anna back to Downton. Mary thought that she should not separate Anna from Bates for any longer so she decided to hire a maid in London for the duration of her stay. When Tom learned that Anna had returned that morning, he hoped he would run into Anna to learn what Mary was doing in town and to get any glimpse into what she planned on doing. Her maid probably would not be able to give him many answers, but it would be better than trying to hear snippets of what Mary wrote in letters to Cora.

The truth was that what he heard from Cora gave him no inclination that Mary was ever planning on returning to Downton. He couldn't say that he was surprised. That letter that she had left him the morning she left made it clear that she wanted to get away from him and Downton. He could recite every word of that short note in his mind now and no longer needed to take it out of the drawer he had crammed it in after he read it the first time. Those words were etched into his mind and still proved painful to Tom.

In the month and half that had passed since Mary left, Tom had tried to keep his sadness from the rest of the family and the staff. He had never let Sybbie see him sad again after that one day and truly she was the only thing that put a smile on his face. Sometimes, he would just sit with her and realize how lucky he was to have his daughter. She would always be there with him, at least. No matter what happened with Mary or with anything else, he had Sybbie and she would always be enough. That did not mean that he was happy though and no matter how hard he tried, everyone could tell he wasn't. Perhaps it was the fact that he barely spoke at dinner or that he had taken to going on long, solitary walks around the grounds or that he always appeared to have the stuffing knocked out of him, but every single Crawley and the entire staff knew Tom was miserable. It was not that they had not had seen him miserable before. They had, but when Sybil died, at least his mood improved. Now, it only seemed to get worse. Tom withdrew more and more into himself and the only person he spent any time with was Sybbie and by consequence, her new nurse.

The housemaid that Mrs. Hughes had elevated to replace the nurse that Mary had taken with her to London had proved quite able for the job. Lucy had come to work at Downton in the early years of the war and had been there ever since. She was now in her late twenties, but still looked as fresh faced as the day she arrived. Lucy was thought a sweet girl who no one ever had a bad thing to say about. Tom thought no different and had always enjoyed her company when he was still a chauffeur. Unlike many of the other staff from back then, she did not seem so awkward around him now and more importantly, she never made him feel awkward. Tom had begun to quite enjoy her company in the nursery when he visited Sybbie.

This morning, Tom sat on the ground with Sybbie helping her build a block tower, when Lucy started a conversation while folding some linen.

"It is a lovely day out, isn't it?" Lucy stated as she looked out onto the grounds.

"It is," Tom replied. He added, "I doubt there will be too many of them left before fall comes."

"You're probably right. The chauffeur was saying this morning that he is getting all the cars ready for the cold weather," Lucy remarked.

"One of the many parts of that job that I do not miss," Tom said and gave a rare chuckle.

Lucy turned from the window and faced Tom. "Do you miss it at all, Mr. Branson?" she inquired.

Tom paused before answering. He wasn't really sure of how to answer that question. "Some things I miss, I suppose. My life was easier then, but I wouldn't ever want to go back to it," he answered.

"It must have been so hard to make the leap that you did and you have managed to do it well," Lucy marveled, smiling at Sybbie who was ably building her tower up.

"Have I?" Tom asked. "Sometimes, I still feel like I am stuck between the servant's hall and the dining room," he went on disparagingly.

"I think you have, Mr. Branson. If you don't mind my saying, you seem very close to the family, especially Lady Grantham and Lady Mary," Lucy answered back, hoping she was not speaking out of line.

At the mention of Mary's name, Tom flinched. He didn't know how to respond to what Lucy had said. Luckily for him, she continued to speak.

"I think it is great that you had come as far as you have, even if you think you haven't. It is admirable," Lucy beamed.

"Do you admire me then?" Tom inquired. Immediately, he wished he hadn't said that. His words always seemed to get him into trouble. That certainly was the case with Mary and now from the look of worry on Lucy's face showed him that it was no different this time.

Before Lucy could muster an answer though, the loud thud of Sybbie's tower crashing to the ground and her subsequent cry distracted both Tom and Lucy. Tom picked up Sybbie and soothed her while Lucy picked up the blocks. Tom barely noticed her leaving a few minutes later to put away the linen she had been folding. He felt bad. He hadn't meant to embarrass the girl. He wasn't even meaning to seem like he was flirting with her. His words had just come out wrong. Alas, Tom thought, just another thing to make him feel bad about himself.

That afternoon, Tom was taking one his now regular walks and was still almost too flustered to notice Anna walking back presumably from hers and Bates' cottage. He quickly walked over to where she was coming up the path and caught her attention.

"Can I help you, Mr. Branson?" Anna asked, appearing confused as to why Tom was running over to see her.

For the second time today, Tom did not know how to word what he wanted to say. He finally managed to string something together. "Well, actually…I just wanted to inquire as to how your stay in London was…" he muttered.

"It was pleasant, sir, but I am glad to return to Downton," Anna replied. "Lady Mary was very kind to allow me to come back without her," she added.

Tom was glad Anna mentioned Mary herself and he did not have to awkwardly bring her up. "Are Lady Mary and Master George well?" he inquired.

"They were both well when I left them," Anna answered.

"I assume Lady Mary must be happy in London to stay there for so long," Tom stated nervously. "Do you have any idea when she will return…or what her plans are, in general?" he asked as he wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. He knew he must appear very odd to Anna by the puzzled way she continued to look at him.

Anna paused before replying, "I don't know of her specific plans to return and I'm not sure if I should say what her other plans are, sir."

Tom continued to wipe sweat from his brow and he could feel a knot developing in his stomach. "Oh…of course…I shouldn't have asked. It's just that…" he stammered out and then trailed off.

"I know, Mr. Branson. I know," Anna said, as she reached out and touched his arm and gave him one of her trademark, warm smiles. "I just don't think you should expect her return anytime soon," she continued as her smile disappeared. With that, she removed her hand from Tom's arm and resumed walking towards the house.

Tom was left to continue on his walk, feeling like a fool. He felt a fool for speaking like he did with Lucy. He felt a fool for embarrassing himself with Anna. Most importantly, he felt a fool for ever thinking he and Mary ever had a chance. She was clearly not coming back and Tom would have to accept that.


End file.
